Devil Walks in The Clover Field

In this mean time, I never thought that I could feel the same feeling, feel like a stone, just substantionally hard but empty. I thought sometimes, how did it felt to be so dead inside like when I was younger. I didn’t catch any sleep, any hunger, I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t want to awake either. But I’m not too egoist to ignored all the people and their conversations. I would just smile or crack a laugh, several questions or agreement, and that’s all. I was totally quiet in my office, my friends started to worry about me. Hell I might frightened them, I’m afraid of myself too.

This kind of feeling, it’s like weary. I bring everything to get my wish granted. Sometimes I should be another person, always bright and cheerful, always asking or apologizing, always demanding or suspicious. I always force myself to think, to talk, sometimes both of them in the same times, I bring the idea, I bring the conversation, I was always demanding. Am I? And sometimes, no matter how hard I tried, I would just get a refusal, ignorancy, or even bad. And then I started to feel regret to bring it up just to get the bad reciprocity or respond. You know why? Because it hurts so bad to be treated like a rubbish talking about rubbish.

I always demanding, and this time, I felt it for the first time, how much I don’t want anything from anybody. I don’t need to be all bright all time, I might look like stone yet empty, but at least I don’t make it up for someone else. I don’t fake it.

12 April 2012

Kalo ada yang bilang kehidupan ngekost itu kehidupan paling bebas—mungkin gw jadi satu dari sekian orang yang ngerasa hidup kost itu sebuah siksaan. Oke anggaplah memang bebas, ga ada emak-emak rempong bin emosian yang tiap sholat nggedor pintu, tiap subuh ngaum bangunin, ato complain baju kotor, kasur meledak, lemari acak-adut dan kamar bau bangkai tiap kali inspeksi. Ga ada. Kalo itu yang disebut bebas, okelah gw ikut bilang amin. Tapi ada banyak hal selain ‘kebebasan’ itu yang jadi ganjarannya. Kalo ada yang bilang soal ‘kesejahteraan’, becyuulll, itu satu. Dan kalo ada yang ngacung sambil bilang “kesepian”, benooolll, itu dua. Kalo 2 skill itu dicampur jadi satu dalam kurun waktu tertentu, rasanya setiap saat gw pingin cepet balik rumah.

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Bukan soal sentimen, tapi gw ga pernah bisa ngilangin euphoria game. Nyatanya, dunia itu ngasih gw mantan-mantan pacar yang jumlahnya jauh lebih banyak ketimbang gw usaha sendiri di dunia nyata. Ahem, mungkin bisa dibilang kualitas hubungan perpacaran gw juga meningkat gara-gara mereka, gw sebut itu sebagai media pembelajaran a.k.a media learning lewat battle, PVP, MVP dan hunt bareng. Pacaran via game itu jelas beda banget dengan pacaran via dunia nyata. Walau secara apatis, orang-orang di lingkungan gw ga nganggap bentuk hubungan itu bakal jadi sesuatu yang laten, tapi gw bisa jadi Nanda yang sekarang dengan gaya pacaran yang kayak gini juga dari mereka-mereka.

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